I was awoken by a phone call from my Mum at about 11am. I couldn’t answer the phone because I still haven’t grasped the challenging task of pressing “answer” on my touchscreen phone. I called them back then got a shower and had a ‘light’ dinner (3 sausages lolz) as I was attending Louise Nicholas’ birthday meal extravaganza later.
After my dinner I watched a few episodes of Entourage and got insanely jealous at how much money all of these fictional characters have.
Hodge came back from work and told me an equally funny and disturbing story. Some 10 year old girls had come running into his workplace covered in blood, telling them that someone was chasing them. It turned out that a 12 year old WITH A KNIFE was after them. Apparently they knew who he was though, and called the police who took care of it.
WELCUM 2 SALFORD PUT YA LIGHTERS UP.
I decided to iron a shirt for tonight’s meal, as I like to look swish when I go to a restaurant. My goodness, what a chore ironing is! I knew I was no good at ironing anyway, but it took me about half an hour to make a really shit job of ironing the bastard.
Ant came home with Sara, and we bantered about her constant appeals for people to sponsor her swimming on Facebook. I came in my room and collected £1 worth of 5 and 10ps, then gave it to her. I’ve done my bit.
I left for Akbars at about 5.40pm, calling at a cash machine before arriving. As I arrived, Benko and Jay were leaving for cash themselves, and I went inside sitting with Louise, Faye, Chris and Shaun Yates. I got myself a J20 which was a new experience for me on a Saturday night. Jay and Benko returned, and everyone made me go and tell the main waiter bloke that we were ready to go through to the main restaurant and eat.
We went through to the main restaurant and were seated on a lovely little round table. Benko’s school teacher mode kicked in, and he helped us all order what we wanted, which was nice.
I had myself a tikka masala which was bloody hot. I was sharing a massive piece of nan bread with Louise and Faye that was placed on a massive weapon like spike in the middle of the table.
After our waiter expertly took all of our plates away in one go, he brought out the cake which Chris and Benko had bought earlier. I still owe them money towards this and I promise I will pay up lads, so don’t come and kick my head in. The cake was the yellow Disney princess (I forget her name because I don’t have a vagina), and Louise was quite overwhelmed by it. She blew out the candles and this made a roflcopter take flight as they were those joke candles that relight once they’ve been blown out.
We left the restaurant with our dignity still in place for once as little alcohol had been consumed, then made our way over to Dukes 92 bar in Castlefield. We walked past dopey Graham from Coronation Street on the way there, and I looked him right in the eyes because I’m a mad bastard.
Once we arrived at Dukes 92, I realised I only had £3 on me so didn’t bother to get an overpriced drink, and just went and sat down outside. Everyone stated that I looked miserable and wasn’t saying much, asking if I was ok. I said this is just what I’m like when I’m sober. It’s not a pretty sight.
Benko’s girlfriend came and picked him up, and we all bid him farewell as he left. Shaun laughed at me as he said I was just slumped over the table giving a very half arsed “bye!”
Shaun looked at his phone and exploded in a fit of merriment. We asked him what was so funny and he said that whenever he wants to remind himself of a song to download when he’s out, he texts himself. He showed us his phone from last weekend where he had text himself- “Elbow- Forget Myself”. Just minutes later, he had then replied to himself- “Class tune.”
Amazing. We laughed at this for a good 10 minutes.
Eventually it started to rain, and rather than sit out there like Shutter Island characters, we decided to move back to the girls’ flat.
Back in Hotel Babs Et Bangs, we sat down and all started to miss our old friend. Why wasn’t our old friend here tonight? We’d had so much fun with our old friend in the past, that they should have been there! That old friend of course was Mr Hol. Mr Alco Hol. It was quite worrying that we were all in such states because we weren’t drinking, and just proved what uninteresting and pathetic humans we are when sober.
After about 3 hours of talking and people telling me I’m depressed, me, Chris and Jay left the girls and Hulme gave me a lift home.
I went to bed.
SUNDAY
I had a dream that me and Chris Hulme were at school together. This is probably because we always say if we did go to school together, we would've sat next to each other as our surnames would follow on the register. Anyway, in this dream I was sat next to a really fit girl. Some teacher absolutely bollocked us, and I comforted the girl by holding her hand. She was falling in love with me, but then Hulme appeared with a packet of felt tips and said,
"NOW I'VE BROUGHT YOU YOUR FELT TIPS..."
....in Rob Brydon's voice. Fuck you, stealing my women in my dreams Chris!
I woke up at about 10.30am and was returning home to Fleetwood to get my farty car smell sorted out, although I’d pretty much sorted it by turning the fan off. I showered, shoved some dirty bed sheets into a bag (I can never be arsed to wash bed sheets, it’s a Mum job that) then went to my car to begin the drive home. Ant had kindly given me his cassette MP3 player thing, so I hooked that up to listen to my bangin’ choons on the way back.
Whilst driving on the motorway, an unmarked police car was reversing at about 70mph on the hard shoulder. It was a bit mental, and looked like the car had been possessed by a ghost. I did a minor bit of car flirting with a fit red Peugeot 106. It was going at 60mph and I wanted to go faster than that, but I knew there was probably a fit girl driving, so I just stayed behind it for a while. Eventually I just overtook it though because I’m a busy man with loads of important things to do.
I got home and was greeted by my parents. My Dad went and made me some dinner, whilst I kindly allowed my Mum to continue watching her TV programme instead of immediately demanding football be put on.
After dinner, my Mum was banging on about how funny Graham Norton was the other week, with guests consisting of Adele and that unfunny Miranda women. Despite making it clear that I had no desire to watch any of these people, she put it on and I was mildly amused at things my Mum found hilarious.
I then watched Arsenal be absolutely pathetic against Stoke, losing 3-1. I hate Arsenal a lot, but I possibly hate Stoke more. Their holier than thou “anti-football but we don’t care” makes them sound like a bunch of wankers.
It was then time for the main event. United were playing Chelsea in a game which would surely decide who would win the title. I was quite nervous and excited at the same time. United put my fears to bed and scored within 36 seconds of kick off. In celebration, I jumped up and punched the air. Unfortunately, also located in the air is the living room light fitting.
I twatted that with my fist, and it started shaking about everywhere. I quickly grabbed it and made sure it didn’t fall into a million pieces. I noticed that I had bent one of the spines on it, but luckily my parents were at Asda so I got away with it.
United won 2-1 and have pretty much won the Premier League which makes me very happy. To celebrate, the Hutcheon family feasted on a KFC bargain bucket.
Tonight I have watched The Cube, and the amazing Channel 4 documentary ‘The Hotel’. As you may have guessed, it’s a documentary about a hotel. There were some really drunk people staying there though and I love watching them.
About an hour ago my Dad noticed the light fitting was bent, and said to my Mum,
“HAVE YOU KNOCKED THIS BLOODY LIGHT FITTING WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DUSTING?”
Jah Hucha 1-0 Parents.
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