Me and Chris Hulme had decided we were going to have a night out tonight because we’re mad like that. I was so looking forward to it I even had myself a shave. I text pretty much everyone I know in the area to see if they fancied coming out, and each person had a work/gay/boring related excuse not to come. Disappointing. I told Hulme about this and it looked like our night out was dead in the water. He said we should just go out anyway and I agreed. To be fair me and Chris are probably the most fun people on a night out anyway, so we don’t really need anybody else.
Hulme arrived at my flat at about 6.30pm after I’d had my tea. I got ready in about 5 minutes and we just went straight out. I love being a man who can just get ready so quickly and efficiently. It really puts some of you gays to shame with your “routines”. You’re going to come home looking like shit anyway, so why make the effort?
We walked to The King’s Arms pub which is a very underrated pub and we always seem to walk past it and not go in. The man who has signed me on in the Job Centre more often than not came in and got himself a shot and a pint. It must be tough working there with all the scummers like me coming in I suppose. Some women came in and one of them looked like a lesbian. We mentioned how when one person in a group is a lesbian, it suddenly makes all the “normal” girls with them look lesbian too. We realised we were saying the word lesbian quite loud around the lesbian, so stopped doing this and the left after drinking our pint.
Bridge finished work at 8pm so said he would come for a drink with us if we went to Corbieres. We went in there and met him where we sat mainly discussing Benicassim and how good it will be. Bridge left after a few pints and everyone in the pub started dancing around like lunatics. It was really good, it felt like we were at a wedding reception or something. This Charming Man came on the jukebox, and Hulme mentioned that its like the national anthem of Manchester. I told him that it was in fact a song about Morrissey being homo-curious if you analyse the lyrics, and he seemed a bit shocked at this.
We left Corbieres and started to walk towards 42s. We were originally going to go to Footage, but I changed my mind and said we should be boring and just take the safe option by going there like usual. Just before we got there, 2 Irish girls asked us where was good for a night out. We said if they liked indie music then to come to 42s, and they said they wanted to go somewhere “normal”. Eventually we realised these people were far more suited to the surroundings of Deansgate Locks, and pointed them in that direction. It’s a good job we’re decent people, they were fit so a lot of lads would have probably just kidnapped them into wherever they were going.
The pub opposite 42s was closed for some reason, so we went in The Nag’s Head on the next street. Chris noticed that some lad in there was wearing a polo shirt he had 5 years ago. Some woman came in in her bare feet. It was that sort of scummy crowd going on. After having a drink in here we went to 42s and were absolutely delighted to find it was only £1 in with a flyer.
After standing and watching some of the weirdos in the club for a while, the place filled up and we reported to the dancefloor. We got dancing with 2 fit women and were both doing really well. They were taking our photos and everything with them, so it must have been going well. I had an erection so it was definitely going well. Hulme then bizarrely decided to walk off and go to the bar. I presumed he’d come back quickly, and carried on dancing with both of these girls. Another lad appeared and asked me if I knew the girls. I told him I didn’t know them, and he said “Well done you’ve done really well!” for some reason. Thanks.
I realised Chris was being gay so went and found him. He said they weren’t interested in us but they clearly were. I can’t really remember much else in here apart from getting hammered. I thought I lost Chris at one point and have an amusing exchange in my inbox.
“Where are you?”
“Brhibnd”
Oh right nice one mate.
Eventually Chris made us leave when I wanted to stay and get some pussy. He got a kebab and I told him he was being gay and boring. We walked past Walkabout and I told him we were going inside, the night was not finished in my eyes. Once inside I realised I had no money, so went to the cash machine in there. Chris had gone to the toilet and I couldn’t get my card in the hole at all. I went and found Chris and told him my problem. He then came back to the cash machine with me and noticed I was trying to put the card in horizontally, when it was meant to go in vertically. Jesus Christ, that must be one of the most drunk things I’ve ever done.
We got drinks in Walkabout but aren’t quite sure what. We both have vague memories of Jager bombs though so it could be them. We then put money in the quiz machine and started to play the pub quiz. Being hammered isn’t a preferable tactic to win on one of these though, then we left.
Walking down Quay Street, we passed some of those moving doors that go round in a circle, and tried to open them. As we did this, a police van pulled over and and officer shouted at us. I carried on walking like a pussy, and Chris went over to him. The officer asked him what we were doing, and Chris said “Just being dickheads mate”. Apparently this was fine and he let us get off on our way.
I then stole a traffic cone down Chapel Street on the way to my flat, and carried it into the building. I planted it outside the first flat on the way to the lift, and said “That’s what they get for being number one! Cocky!”
We’ve since looked and the flat is in fact number nine.
We came in the flat and decided to wake Hodge up. We both got in bed with him and were just being crazy drunk arseholes. I made some toast and covered it in HP sauce, which I managed to squirt all over the counter. I updated my Facebook status as apparently I was still really angry at Chris not pulling those girls with me earlier.
Chris fell asleep in my bed so I did this to him which I thought was hilarious.
The end.
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