So I have brought back the blog. It is pretty similar apart from I got rid of that mental space background I used to have. You will notice that I have added extra sections as well- About, TV/Film and Music. I have done a review of the film Yes Man which I watched at the weekend in the TV/Film section already. I will use these sections to review things instead of taking up your time by smashing it in the middle of my enthralling day to day blogs.
Today I woke up at 11.30am. I opened my door to find some post. I opened it and to my surprise found that DFS were trying to sell me some sofas.
“You can’t put a price on comfort” they claimed. Indeed you can’t DFS, you also can’t put a price on wasting paper by sending it to people like me who will never buy a sofa from you.
After showering, I had myself a pizza. I then logged on to the Internet to find that The Daily Mail had leaked the PFA Player of the year nominations. To my utter disgust, I found that Manchester United winger Nani had not been nominated. Nani has been carrying United all season, scoring 10 goals and assisting 18. That’s 28 goals he’s been involved in, and we’ve only scored 68. Impressive, but apparently not impressive enough to get on the list ahead of Gareth “Two good games in Europe” Bale. Disgraceful.
I got over my footballing injustice, and set off for The Gentry Grooming Company at about 1.30pm where I had made an appointment to get my hair cut. A very gay man called Paul cut my hair. He cut it exactly how I wanted it, short on the back and sides whilst still quite long on top. Usually when I tell people to do this, they just go mental and carry on cutting the top, but he knew where to stop. Well done Paul.
After paying for my hair cut, I walked up to Primark as I’m going to my second cousin’s christening on Sunday, and wanted a new tie. I already have plenty of ties, but I wanted a slim stripy one in my continued quest to look like Don Draper from Mad Men. I walked around the men’s section and finally located the ties on a rack. All of the ties had been reduced from £4 to £2! What a great success! Thrilled with this, I took the tie to the till and got yet another shock of happiness.
“A pound please.” said the mildly attractive assistant.
A POUND?!?! BRILLIANT. An actual pound for a tie in 2011. God, what a fantastic deal. Primark, you are doing Britain proud with your continued exploitation of child workers in less privileged countries. Great stuff.
I walked home beaming from ear to ear with the knowledge that I had acquired a great haircut and a £1 tie in such a short space of time. Walking under the Arndale Food Court I encountered the inevitable nutcase which the area seems to constantly breed. Walking behind me some lunatic shouted,
“WHY DON’T WE TWIST AGAIN? LIKE WE DID LAST SUMMER EH?”
I escaped the nutter and got home where I told Hodge all about my £1 tie.
Hodge and Ant went to the gym, so I took the opportunity of alone time in the flat to shave my face and balls. I cut my chin when shaving my face, and sprayed some aftershave on the cut. It was the most painful thing ever, but weirdly I enjoyed it because it made me feel like a real man. I remember when I was young and my Dad would go on about how much cutting yourself when shaving hurts, but I usually manage to avoid blood because I’m smarter than him. Just lately I’ve been cutting myself a bit though, and I do find some satisfaction in it. Fortunately there were no such cuts when I shaved my massive balls.
Hodge had told me earlier that he had upgraded to a new phone on Orange’s website today. We both got our last phones at the same time, so they’re both up for renewal now. I decided to copy Hodge and get exactly the same phone as him on exactly the same deal. I have got a HTC Desire or something. I don’t know nor care about the exact details of it, as long as it phones and texts people then I’m fine with it. I’m sure it’ll be able to give me a blowjob or something though.
I made my tea which was lamb chops covered in mint, with mushrooms and rice. I had the mushrooms in the same pan as the chops, so they absorbed some of the mint which was an unexpected treat.
Jay rang me and we made plans about the XFM 5th Birthday Bash which we’re attending with Hulme and Shaun tomorrow.
I then decided to watch Summer Heights High which I took off Benko’s hard drive about a month ago. It’s brilliant, yet another fantastic comedy series which for some reason has been hidden away from the mainstream.
I then went and had a brief conversation with Ant and Hodge, where we discussed how if Hodge ever gets laid it’d be the loudest sex of all time like this,
“SHAG SHAG SHAG I AM HODGE. SHAG SHAG SHAG CUM CUM CUM I AM HODGE.”
That was the first installment of The Daily Jah. Print it out and treasure it my minions.
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